I keep getting told that I need to make time for self care and for some reason I find myself resisting this and justifying not doing it.  This weekend I go back home to visit my fiancee and I was asked what I would do to take time for myself, or if things get too hectic with things from the past being brought up.  I mentioned I can just go do laundry.  My counselor said that this is not an option.  I am not going back to do laundry for 4 people.  I am going back to take a break and enjoy my time.  My answer is that laundry is my time to myself.  I get to leave early morning and just sit there while the laundry washes and dries.  Then I go back home.  To me, this gives me a good 2 hours fo me time.  I don’t have anybody on my back or calling.  I also find “me” time when I am studying and coding.  I am taking two intense courses at the moment which keep me in front of the computer hours on end and focusing on why certain code is not working or why the website design is not what I wrote in my CSS or HTML takes me out of anxiety and in the moment.  To me, these are the moments when I am being most mindful.

However, while I was speaking with my counselor yesterday I came to realize I feel guilty for taking care of myself.  I feel bad that I can take some time to just lay in bed and watch tv or maybe even take a nap halfway through the day if I am tired.  I start to think about what I need to do for my family, about how irresponsible I am being if I am not being productive.  I start to ask myself, can Maria take this time off if she needs it, and then I convince myself that she cannot and I am being unfair in taking it.

I am being told that the work I am doing is hard work and that I am being responsible.  Granted, while that may be true on a personal level, I feel selfish for taking care of me only.  I guess I need to realize if I don’t take care of myself and my sobriety.  If I let other things take priority over my sobriety, I cannot and will not be available to be responsible for those who around me whom I love and who love me.  This is going to be hard for me to truly accept.  I still resist just taking time to do nothing.