So I am out of treatment in about a week and I know I have some anxiety behind it.  I don’t recognize that i feel anxious, I guess because it is hard for me to actually identify what I feel at times, but I know that I have some anxiety behind it due to some of my patterns.

  • I am not sleeping well
  • I am losing motivation in most things
  • I am focusing on small irritations
  • and I am short with my partner

I also have a lot of important things coming up.  Tomorrow I get to see my son after over three months.  Last time he saw me, I was detoxing and in bad shape.  Bad enough that he chose not to visit me at home any more because the pain he felt at seeing me detoxing and in that shape was too bad.  Next week I get to sit with him in therapy session and listen to how he feels and what he is going through without getting defensive and without dismissing his feelings.  Sitting in the damage that I have done and knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it.  In fact, all I can do it take it and move forward, but I can’t even begin to move forward until I just sit and hear him and acknowledge to him that I am listening.  I need to let him know somehow that I am now present and will stay present.  I will have to sit through the doubt, the mistrust, the distance we have and know that it is all a part of what my alcoholism caused.  At the beginning it’ll be good, the honeymoon period, where he will get his dad back and he will be happy.  I am sure that he might also think he needs to be gentle with me since I have shown him that I can’t handle dealing with my emotions and responsibilities in a mature way–I choose to drink instead.  However, once the novelty of having his dad back wears off, then his resentment, his pain and his anger will come to the front.  I’ll have to sit through that and be patient.  It might go away, then again it might not.  Hopefully, with time and work we’ll make it.

 

#son #recovery #family #amends