I am now out of treatment and back into the real world to begin my recovery.  On one hand it is a scary concept, but one about which I am excited.  At first all I felt was anxiety and nervousness.  Most people would imagine that I would feel excited and happy to be out of rehab.

Well, here goes.  My alcoholism has always been an escape from reality.  Mainly an escape from the trauma that I suffered in my past; from my lack of identity that arose in my youth; from my emotional ineptitude I acquired as I grew up.  However, it has been a bit more than just escapism; it has also been a dismissal of everything me.  Due to this dismissal and my expertise in escaping reality and what is in front of me, I have failed to become an adult.  My life is still in adolescence, as are my feelings, reflexes and reactions.  Now that I am 3 months sober, I realize that I have a son who is 15 years old and needs a father who has never been there for him.  I also have a relationship with step-kids that need somebody to be an adult.  I need to find a way to support myself and to support others.  I also need to be able to foster, maintain  and nurture healthy relationships where I give, as well as take, sometimes give more than take.  And these are only the most obvious of my responsibilities as an adult.  Responsibilities that I welcome and am excited to face, but that, honestly, scare the hell out of me.

For the past 3 months, I have been living in a Sober Living environment with a modicum of structure and an excellent therapeutic/treatment team with whom I could resolve my anxieties and concerns on a daily basis.  I have been living on my own, with plenty of opportunity to have time for myself when I needed it or wanted it.  I have been in an environment where my basic needs were provided with no stress upon me, while I slowly worked to build my higher function needs such as love and esteem, eventually leading to self-actualization.  After three months I am told that I have the tools necessary and the foundation necessary to face this self-actualization.  I’m scared and I doubt.

Now I need to take the reins of my life in my own hands.  And this is the dilemma in my hands…My treatment team is right.  I have gained the tools and the foundation I need to be able to take these reins and slowly grow emotionally and responsibly into me.  However, for years I have been busy dismissing me and not liking me.  Before I can take these reins and get to know the me I am, I need to be ready to accept me as I am.  On a strong note, I have known for the past 2 weeks that I have been on my way out, and my treatment team has been aware of it  We have built a great after-care plan that I feel I can stick to.

So, with so much anticipation, so much care and treatment, my feelings have moved from fear and anxiety to excitement.  I am excited to have the opportunity to know me.  I am excited to face the challenges that are now in my path:

  • develop a strong relationship with my son and learn to be a father
  • find a job and not fear success
  • keep recovery as first priority
  • accept my growth as progress and not failure to be perfect
  • learn to be a fiancee and soon a husband
  • learn to be a respectful son who maintains his independence and builds his maturity

I am also fighting my alcoholism in all of its forms.  Just today I thought about how nice it would feel to take a few drinks.  As the Big Book says, my disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.  However, my higher power is even more powerful.  There is so much stacked against me staying sober, but as I learned at a Jehova’s Witness conference (I am not a member), there is so much more on my side, as long as I am brave enough to reach out and accept it.

Thank you God for giving me 3 months sober.  Thank you for giving me one more day in which I could accept me  Thank you for my dog Snow, who allowed me to walk her twice today for a total of two hours where I could meditate and recharge.  Thank you for this blog in which I can be myself.