They say trust is easy to lose and hard to regain.  In fact, there are many different sayings that have to do with trust and forgiveness: I’ll forgive, but I’ll never forget; you have to trust to be trusted; etc.  The truth is that for my recovery it is a topic that is of utmost importance, but even more than that, I need to keep in mind patience.

I am back home now, and so is my family.  I have caused so much harm, pain, disillusionment; I have stolen, lied and cheated; I have also been extremely selfish and self-centered.  My reason is that when I was doing all this, I was actively involved in my addiction.  When I am not drinking, or when I am not doing anything and everything to get my vodka, I don’t need to do any of those things.  In fact, most of them, I can’t remember because I am usually in a blackout when I do them.  However, the people I do it to sure do remember.  They not only remember what I have done, but also the pain that it causes them.  I haven’t done anything to fix the pain, and since I was usually blacked-out, I haven’t even recognized that I have caused any pain, much less apologized.  This means that there is no way that I can understand how everybody else feels, so when I am home and my fiancee is asking to see my phone and my messages, I need to understand that this is normal and I have caused this.

This does not mean that I can’t feel anything or that I have to ignore how I feel when this happens.  I can understand that I am doing everything right.  I am home and have stayed home even when they were out in another state.  I haven’t been putting myself out there for other women.  I have kept the home clean.  I have taken care of our dog.  I have moved forward with my aftercare plan.  I don’t feel that I deserve to be checked in every little thing that I do, nor do I feel that my intentions need to be questioned for everything I say or do.  However, this is what I have earned.  I have done this recovery/treatment path before and I have come back full of good intentions, but shortly thereafter, I have relapsed.  I have promised not to do everything that I am being accused of now, and when I am in the middle of my addiction, I have done exactly those things I have promised not to.  My word means very little, and my actions mean very little.  So where does this leave me?

I need to accept what is going on.  I also need to understand that healing is a personal process for everybody.  My fiancee, my son, my stepchildren, my parents ca’t all heal the same way, and they definitely won’t heal at the pace I believe they should.  I accept and recognize how I feel.  I am frustrated, I get mad I am not being trusted, I am impatient in everything being ok.  I get mad, I get hurt.  I also get indignant and wonder why I am even doing everything I am doing.  “I’ll teach her and stop being so perfect.”  Of course, this is my exaggeration and my point of view, so I need to move forward from my feelings and start being understanding and start practicing what I preach.

I am frustrated and impatient because I am not being trusted as quickly as I think I should.  Well, it is my turn to forgive.  It is my turn to trust that things will work out how they must.  I also need to have faith in the process.  Stop looking out there and start looking inside.  I trust that if I do what I am supposed to, things will turn out appropriately for me.  I also have faith that my loved ones and the ones who love me, are willing to heal our relationships and will do so at their pace and in a way that is healthy for them.

I accept how I feel.  I am not a bad person for feeling upset.  I am working hard at my recovery.  I am working hard to repair my relationships.  I have a long road to travel, but those around me will travel and are travelling it with me.