Last night I had another drinking dream.  It was odd.  I vaguely remember that I was kicked out of a program for drinking and then I went to a liquor store and bought a fifth of vodka, after which I went to my elementary school and walked around trying to keep the bottle hidden.  The odd part was all that I was feeling while fully intending to start drinking.  I felt shame.  I knew, in my dream, that I shouldn’t be drinking, yet felt that I had no way to stop myself.  I knew that taking that drink was inevitable, and I felt like a complete failure.  I did not want to take the next drink, but felt powerless to stop myself and knew it was only a matter of time.  As the book says, complete incomprehensible demoralization.

It’s not the first time that I have felt this way.  Last night, luckily, it was only a dream, but, especially at the end, when I was drinking it was less of a choice and more often a defeat.  I felt that I had no way of stopping.  Yes, I wanted to take that drink, but I knew that it would lead to a destruction of everything I held dear.  So the question begs itself.  If I know what it’ll do, if I really don’t want it to the point that i feel such a failure, why do I drink?

Will power does not come into play in this situation.  The Big Book defines addiction as having lost the ability to choose.  So, then this means there is no hope for the true alcoholic/addict.  There is no hope for me.  I will no longer be able to choose and I will stay and die a drunk.  This is truly a fatalistic point of view and if that were the case, I would not bother to try to stay sober and I would be drunk as I write this, but the truth is that it is not and never will be by will power.  My need–yes I mean need–for alcohol is such that I lose all sense of will power just by thinking about how it feels to lose myself and blackout.  It’s not that it feels good nor euphoric, it’s more like it doesn’t feel at all.  A weight is lifted off my shoulders and I no longer feel like Atlas.

So, if will power is not enough, then what hope do I have to keep a productive life and finally live, rather than just survive?  Well on the one hand, it is a spiritual solution, it is bigger than human effort.  For me it means that I need to develop mental toughness.  When it feels like everything is against me or everything is stacked up against me,  When it feels like I can’t do anything but succumb to the desire to drink, I can only rely on discipline.  Mental toughness is more than just will power or intelligence.  In fact, it has nothing to do with intelligence.  It has to do with discipline, honesty and habit.  The more I fight my cravings and do the right thing, one time after another.  The more I am creating a habit to do the right thing.  So when I find myself in times of hardship, doing the right thing will come naturally.  In order to create this habit, I need to have the discipline to take the next right step, even when I don’t think I need to (everything is going well, I’ve been clean for a bit, I’m tired, I have to work, I have to spend time with my significant other, etc.).  I have to have the discipline to put my recovery first.  Finally, I have to be honest about my alcoholism and who I am when I drink.  I can’t hide behind a desire to seem good .

So mental toughness is having the honesty to know who I am and how bad I can get and not deny it.  With this in mind, having the discipline to take each right next step, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem in the face of life as a whole, and no matter how uncomfortable or hard it may seem.  Finally, it means that I can surrender to the fact that I cannot do this based on will power and I can’t want myself to not drink so bad that it’ll just happen.  I have to develop habits through my discipline and rely on these habits when things get tough.  Not question or doubt or wonder what to do next, but believe in the work I have put in.

#discipline # higher-power #honesty #do-the-next-right-thing #will-power #cravings #alcoholism #addiction #choice