Well it’s been a while since I posted last.  I am proud and happy to say I now have 6 months sober.  It is not my longest stint, nor is it my first time, but it has been a long time since I have hit this benchmark.  I can tell you that it is not easy.  In fact, I have no idea how I have done it.  Yes, I have done some things right, and I have maintained the fact that I have to stay sober a stark reality in my mind, but I cannot in good conscience say that I have kept my sobriety as first priority, and I hear that it must be.  So I say at the beginning that I am proud to hit this milestone, and I want to keep that pride.  One of my therapists used to say that I needed to be honest about all I had done, especially the negative, since that was the truth of my addiction, and that her job later was to help build me back up.  I can tell you this was hard.  One of the main reasons that I drink is that I want to avoid all truth that is not to my liking.  I drink to forget what a disappointment I became to myself, to forget that once I did put hands on my partner, that I did some of the most demeaning things to those that love me and to myself.  Yet, when I drink I continue those patterns and slip into even worse ones.  So, I come back into sobriety and reality and I hate myself even more and I have to drink it all away again.  It is one depressing circular existence (I cannot say life).  In fact, many times I have asked myself, what is it that I am running away from?  Why the need to black out and forget I exist?  And I have come to sad conclusion that I am running away from life.  I find the rigors and responsibilities of life to be too much for me.  Doesn’t say much about my character, eh?

Well here goes–honesty and humility.  I am proud to be 6 months clean (3rd time I have said it).  This does not mean that I am not humble, it just means that there is an undeniable fact that I have 6 months under my belt and that this makes me happy and feel good with myself.  I am by no means saying it was easy or crowing victory for another 6 months.  In fact, as this day has come, it has been harder.  I mean, I have been working some insane hour days, I have been providing for my family, I have been providing emotional support and presence for my son–what harm is one day away from this to myself?

See this is how it works…I set my schedule so that I have 3 days off from work and family.  I take a few drinks one day and recover physically the next and start picking up my schedule and responsibilities on the third.  No big deal, right?  I jump back into the saddle and continue this discipline I have developed.  3 days is not enough to break a habit, nor is it enough to lose a well developed discipline.  I got this!

BAH!

This is alcoholic thinking.  This is what I have been fighting the past few days.  I am quite aware that it will not be a few drinks.  I am also aware that it will not be just one day of drinking and back.  Once the juice gets into my body, it has to be a constant stream where I wake up just to drink, or sit in front of the TV doing nothing but drinking (I start by timing myself and end up drinking booze as if it were water–in fact an IV drip would be a close approximation of the rate of intake).  Next thing I know I am out of the money I have saved and I start to feel dread when thinking of where the next drink will come.  I start shaking, I start sweating, I start having cold-sweats, I start vomiting–my body starts dying and my psyche starts to deteriorate with hallucinations and only one thought in my mind…How can I get my next drink, no action I can think of is too debasing–my survival depends upon it.  So this is after the fact…let’s take one step back.

What about before I start drinking?  What moral discipline am I bragging about?  I am seriously considering taking a few days away from my family without thinking about how that will affect them.  I have just bragged in this essay about my being able to be present for my son and now I am thinking that I can absent myself consciously.  Let’s also take into consideration the fact that I am the sole breadwinner and I am thinking of not working for 3 days and spending that time and money in a motel buying booze.  I do not sit back and think about the anxiety and the pain that I will cause when I am drunk and I drunk dial my mom or my fiancee and they can hear it in my voice.  Self-centeredness–the ego at its peak, the definition of an alcoholic.  But, don’t you know that I deserve it?  I have been, not only good, but awesome for 6 months.  Entitlement–the great justification for any and all actions that enshrine a moral failing.  You know though, it would feel so good and I can’t wait for it.  Instant gratification–the greatest enemy to discipline.

So no, I am not proud that with six months I am past danger because I have done so well.  I am proud that I got this far, but understand that it is even harder now because the urgency is gone and I might not feel the need to be as rigorous in my sobriety.  I also am honest with myself in understanding that I am not lucky, but blessed to be writing this tonight.  My God has supported me in my decision to stay sober and he is helping me to continue feeling the serenity that allows me a clean life.  I choose to take right actions and to be an active part of my own sobriety, but it is only through, as the Big Book says, divine providence that I have found any type of strength to maintain it.  He presents himself to me in my daily life with the people he puts in my path.  My family and my kids with their supporting words. My youngest daughter telling me that in her caring circle at her 4th grade class, she added my name to the board because she’s worried I am working too hard.  My son telling my mom that I am a good father and that he is happy.  My clients telling me that they want to keep assigning me to projects.  The people I meet on the road with whom I can share a smile.  My brothers in pain calling me with success stories of a day clean, a week clean, a year clean, etc.

So honesty is not only being honest with my failings, but also honest with my successes.  I have been clean 6 months!  I am confident I will continue this evening in the same condition.  God is by my side and, no I am not hallucinating, but he is smiling.  I am being responsible with my family and present for my son.

Now to be honest with where I am still failing: I need to reprioritize my sobriety, I need to hit more meetings, Above all this moment, I need to practice self-care.

Thank you Julia, Thank you Sabrina, Thank you Marisela.  Although you have closed down, Thank you Rebos–I hold close the tools you have given me and the lessons you taught.  I am proud to be a Rebos graduate and a Buffalo.